CAUTION: Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that WAITING FOR TWO is fully protected by the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. Early serialized excerpts from WAITING FOR TWO have been presented in Spot Literary Magazine. Waiting for Two © Susan Hansell (scenes 1 - 20 only, of approximately 72) MAN and WOMAN. TREE, center; and, in separate areas: a Desk Chair with Desk and Monitor; an Arm Chair; a Bistro Table with two Chairs; a White Board with audience implied. One large TEST TUBE, a small WRITING PAD with PENCIL, a RULER, a LAB COAT, an OUTDOORSEY outfit, cutting SHEARS, a handheld ELECTRONIC DEVICE, a Computer MOUSE, a Bold BLACK MARKER, a Large RED PEN, a Stack of School PAPERS. Occasional WIND sound effects can be heard, and, where indicated, tinklingly bland mood MUSIC in the background. 1. WOMAN stands center next to TREE straining to hold onto TREE as if bearing the pressure of a tremendous wind, though no such wind can be heard. MAN stands to the side, watching WOMAN. Man: Whatcha got there? Beat. Woman: Tree. Beat. Woman: I think. Beat. Man: A tree, huh? Woman: I think so. Pause. Man: Wow. Woman: I know! Beat. The sound of a tremendous WIND rises, then falls. MAN and WOMAN look searchingly around then up. 2. MAN and WOMAN with TREE. WOMAN stands next to TREE with hands on TREE as if bracing it, though without apparent reason to do so. MAN stands apart and stares at WOMAN. Man: So where’d this tree come from? Beat. Woman: I have no idea. Man: No idea! Woman: Nope. Man: Huh. Pause. Woman: I was here and then the tree was here and that’s all I know. MAN walks around WOMAN and TREE. MAN stares at TREE. MAN stares at WOMAN. Man: A lot of things you could do with it. WOMAN glares at MAN. Woman: Do with it? MAN looks innocently at WOMAN. Man: What! 3. WOMAN, holding onto TREE. MAN enters and watches. Pause. MAN walks to TREE and joins WOMAN holding onto it. BOTH appear to be withstanding the force of a great wind, though no such sound can be heard. Long Pause. The sound of a tremendous WIND rises then falls. MAN and WOMAN release their hold on TREE and stare at each other searchingly. 4. TREE and MAN. MAN, wearing LAB COAT, approaches TREE. MAN stares at TREE, looks furtively over his shoulder, then takes a large TEST TUBE filled with noxious smoking liquid out of his LAB COAT pocket and pours it onto the base of the TREE. MAN steps back quickly, holding empty TEST TUBE up, staring at TREE, staring at TEST TUBE, staring at TREE. TREE remains the same. MAN returns empty TEST TUBE to LAB COAT pocket, takes PENCIL and PAD from another pocket, and makes notes. MAN stares at TREE, stares at his notes, stares back at TREE. MAN backs farther away from TREE, takes RULER from another pocket and, eyeballing TREE, draws figures and equations. MAN stares at TREE, stares at his NOTES, stares at TREE. TREE remains the same. 5. TREE and WOMAN. WOMAN, wearing an OUTDOORSEY outfit, approaches TREE. WOMAN stares at TREE then takes out large clipping SHEARS from an inside pocket of her OUTDOORSEY outfit and stands poised next to TREE. Pause. WOMAN drops her pose with the SHEARS and backs away from TREE. WOMAN walks about and studies TREE from various angles. WOMAN approaches TREE again and stands poised with SHEARS. Long Pause. WOMAN snips one BRANCH from TREE. The BRANCH falls. WOMAN stares down at the ONE FALLEN BRANCH. WOMAN stares up at TREE. Pause. WOMAN looks down at BRANCH, picks up BRANCH, and places it inside a pocket of her OUTDOORSEY outfit. WOMAN remains, staring at TREE. 6. MAN and WOMAN stand together near TREE, no sound or wind. BOTH appear relaxed. They turn and face each other. They stare into each other’s eyes. 7. MAN and WOMAN stand in relaxed positions facing each other near TREE. MAN and WOMAN smile. No sound; no straining against a wind. MAN places his hands on WOMAN’S ass. 8. MAN and WOMAN sit across from each other at BISTRO TABLE, tinklingly bland mood MUSIC in the background. Man: I’m off-setting my carbon. Woman: (with enthusiasm) I’m off-setting my carbon too! Pause. Man: I’m off-setting my water use. Woman: (countering) I’m off-setting my air conditioning. Beat. Man: (competitively) I’m off-setting my heating system. Woman: I’m off-setting my use of the gym. Man: I’m off-setting my vacation on Catalina. Woman: You go to Catalina? Man: Sometimes. Beat. Woman: How do they get water to that island? Beat. Man: I’ll find out, then I’ll off-set it! Woman: And the garbage collection? Man: Also! Naturally. Woman: Where does it all go? Beat. The sound of an ELECTRONIC ring. MAN holds up GADGET. Man: I’ll be employing this handheld electronic device for several moments. Please note that I have off-set its toxicity levels by creating tiny lead shields for my brain. If you’ll excuse me. MAN continues to stare at WOMAN. Woman: YOUR brain? Beat. Man: Fine. I’ll make a similar device for you. Woman: Fine. I’ll be in the bathroom off-setting my sewer connection. WOMAN continues to stare at MAN. Man: Howz about you off-set that sewer connection for me too while you’re at it in there honey before we off-set to my place? Beat. Woman: Howz about I HONEY? Pause. Man: CAN you? Woman: Can YOU? Beat. Woman: What did you say? Man: You know what I said. Beat. Man: Potato. Woman: Tomato. Man: Possibly. Woman: Maybe. Pause. Woman: I’ll be right back. Man: I’ll be right here. BOTH remain. 9. MAN and WOMAN sit across from each other at BISTRO TABLE, tinklingly bland mood MUSIC in the background. Woman: A question. Man: Why not. Woman: Okay then. Man: Yes. Beat. Woman: Are you a troll? Man: A troll? Woman: You know. Just trolling around. Beat. Woman: Marc Jacobs is a troll. Beat. Woman: For example. Man: Or YOU might be a troll. Woman: Or I might be a TOOL. Man: A tool. Beat. Woman: Show people are tools. Dangerous dangerous tools. Pause. Man: Steve Martin is a tool! I get it! Woman: Exactly! Beat. Woman: Bush was a tool. Man: One or two? Woman: Two. One was a troll. Beat. Man: What about Clinton? Woman: Bill? A definite troll. Man: Hillary? Woman: Mmm. Hard to say. Man: Obama? Woman: Jury’s out. Man: How about McCain? Woman: Who? Man: Palin? Woman: Huh? Pause. Woman: See? Beat. Woman: See how it works? THEY stare at each other. 10. WOMAN sits at DESK staring into computer MONITOR. Woman: (reading out loud) Coffee cup poll -- Whose relationship will last longer, Angelina’s and Brad’s, or Jen’s and John’s? WOMAN clicks away using COMPUTER MOUSE, voting, then stops, reads. Woman: Wha-? WOMAN grunts, clicks repeatedly, voting several times, then stops and reads. Woman: Oh right. *Sarcasm*. WOMAN clicks vigorously and repeatedly many more times. Woman: Go go go! Woman stops, checks tally. Woman: HA. WOMAN again clicks vigorously and repeatedly many more times, then stops to check. Woman: What the? WOMAN angrily clicks as fast as she possibly can. WOMAN looks furtively over her shoulder, then returns to clicking. WOMAN clicks away with total absorption. WOMAN bends over the keyboard. WOMAN cries out in frustration yet continues to click. WOMAN pants, her clicking cramping. WOMAN dissolves into wildly abandoned laughter. WOMAN looks up one last time at the monitor’s tally, then collapses onto desk. WOMAN passes out, snores. 11. MAN, wearing LAB COAT, stands at a WHITE BOARD with his back toward an implied audience. MAN begins to draw chemical molecules and bonds. Man: These are the oils. MAN quickly draws molecules with a BOLD BLACK MARKER. Man: These are the esters. MAN quickly draws molecules. Man: These are the alcohols. MAN quickly draws molecules. Man: These are the psychedelics. Man turns to look back over his shoulder. Man: Excuse me? MAN turns to face his implied audience as if listening, laughs briefly. Man: We call those discoveries primary experimentation, a modality not often encouraged in chemistry, for obvious reasons. MAN pantomimes exaggerated staggering and head rolling. MAN stops, nods significantly at his audience, turns back to face the white board and draws molecules. Man: These are the disulphides, otherwise know as the neurotoxins, commonly referred to as nerve gas, mustard gas, chemical warfare agents and etc. MAN quickly draws chemical reaction. Man: The disulphides, originally discovered by accident when somebody dropped dead in the laboratory, and, after the smoke cleared, notes were found indicating what compounds were being worked on, etc., you get the picture. MAN quickly draws smiling human stick figures holding test tubes, then draws smoke arising from the test tubes. MAN changes the human stick figures to frowning figures, falling over and writhing in death throws. MAN adds sound effects, coughing and choking, clutching at his throat, falling to the ground and writhing in death throws then still. MAN stands without ceremony, dusting himself off. MAN looks fully toward his implied audience and points out, as if calling on someone. Man: Yes? MAN peers out infinitely. 12. WOMAN sits in ARM CHAIR, a RED PEN and a stack of school PAPERS in her lap. Woman: I don’t think I quite grasp all that my mind is capable of perceiving. Beat. Woman: Or I almost understand something, something of the utmost importance, then I fail. Beat. Woman: Not because my mind fails, not because my mind can’t bring me the information. But because I don’t know what to do with the words. I can’t comprehend the information that’s right in front of me. Beat. Woman: Which words are the important words, which, the unimportant? Beat. Woman: Which things are frightening, which things are benign? Which things are essential, which things are inessential? Beat. Woman: Should I be happy, sad, scared, angry, stimulated, relaxed, worried, relieved? Beat. Woman: Or are there other things, other words, other ways in the middle, or at the sides of, or above or below, those ways, ways I can’t understand or know, how to be? Beat. Woman: Right now for example. Beat. Woman: What’s happening? What’s happening to me? Beat. Woman: What am I doing right now? WOMAN looks down at the stack of PAPERS in her lap and takes up RED PEN. Woman: (reading) This. WOMAN looks forward. Woman: What is ‘this”? WOMAN looks down at PAPERS. Woman: (reading) It. WOMAN looks forward. Woman: What is “it”? 13. MAN, pacing. Man: Oh! I should have done that! No! I should have done this! Oh! I should have done that before I did this and this before I did that and this and that and just like before like always. MAN paces. Man: No no no! I should have done it right the first time! How could I make that mistake! This mistake! That mistake! This mistake! This! That! Like always. Like before. MAN paces. Man: Oh! There’s nothing I can do about it now! No! I should do something about it right now! Oh! I don’t know what to do! MAN groans. Man: No! I have to! MAN doubles over and exhales loudly. MAN stands and shouts in frustration. Man: AaaaaRrrrrrrrrGgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! MAN stops still and repeats his shout, but without the emotion; this time, he listens to the sounds he’s making rather than merely feeling them. Man: AaaahhhhhhhRrrrrGgggggggghhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa. Pause. Man: Gggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Beat. Man: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Beat. Man: HA! Beat. Man: AH-HA! Beat. Man: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Beat. MAN kicks up his heels, then repeats his earlier words; this time, he sings the words and dances about: Man: Oh I should have done that! No I should have done this! Oh I should have done that before I did this and this before I did that and this and that and just like before like always! MAN whoops it up. Man: No no no! I should have done it right the first time! How could I make that mistake! This mistake! That mistake! This mistake! Like this! Like that! Like always! Like before! MAN shakes his booty. Man: Oh there’s nothing I can do about it now! No I know what to do about it but I don’t want to do anything ever again! MAN jumps. Man: Oh oh oh! No no no! MAN raises his arms overhead as if scoring a goal, football style. Man: Hahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahaahhahaha! MAN raises hands to the heavens, shakes his hands with glee, looks up. 14. WOMAN in ARM CHAIR, looking down at stack of PAPERS in her lap, her hand held high, holding a RED PEN, and poised over the PAPERS. Woman: “Meeeeeeeee”? Beat. Woman: “Me-eeeeeeeeee”? Beat. Woman: ME. WOMAN launches RED PEN toward PAPERS then stops. Woman: I don’t know! WOMAN loudly sighs and drops PEN. Woman: I? Me? One? Who? Me? I? “I”? One? Me-eeee? Who-oooo? WOMAN loudly sighs. Woman: Is there a “me” here that has nothing to do with “my” brain? WOMAN looks down at PAPERS and reads. Woman: I think there is like when you wake up and first thing in the a.m. go to the beach and like you have a real good - . WOMAN looks forward. Woman: “I” think there “is” LIKE “real”? Beat. Woman: YOU? Beat. Woman: “Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”? WOMAN grimaces, stares forward. 15. MAN, dancing and singing. Man: I like candy! MAN makes sounds of music as he dances. Man: I like candy! MAN dances and makes sounds of music. Man: I like candy! 16. MAN and WOMAN sit at BISTRO TABLE, holding hands, looking into each others' eyes. Man: Charming. Woman: Darling. Man: Dearest. Woman: Sweetheart. Man: Baby. Woman: Daddy. Man: HOT Mama. Beat. Man: Honey. Woman: Honey. Man: Lip smackin’ honey! Beat. Woman: Honey. Pause. Man: Hon. Beat. Woman: Son. Beat. Man: Bun. Woman: Ton. Man: Run. Woman: Won. Man: Fun. Woman: None. Man: Done. 17. MAN and WOMAN sit at BISTRO TABLE, their backs turned toward each other. Woman: Inch. Beat. Man: Angry Inch. Beat. Man: Half inch. Beat. Woman: Angry half inch. Beat. MAN and WOMAN both break into UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER. 18. MAN and WOMAN sit facing each other at BISTRO TABLE, leaning forward. Woman: Brat. Man: Fat. Woman: Rat. Man: Mat. Woman: Cat. Man: Bat. Woman: Hat Man: At. Woman: GAT. Man: Sat. Woman: Pat. 19. MAN and WOMAN lean in toward each other from across the BISTRO TABLE. Man: Jill. Woman: Bill. Man: Hill. Woman: Phil. Man: Pill. Woman: Kill. Beat. Man: Kill? Woman: Just rhyming. You know. Beat. Man: Fill. Woman: Thrill. Man: Will. Woman: Quill. Man: Mill. Woman: Nil. Man: Till. Woman: Ill. Man: Gill. Beat. Woman: Sill. Beat. Man: Dill. Beat. Woman: Lil. Beat. Man: Zil. Beat. Woman: Zil? Beat. MAN and WOMAN break into UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER. 20. MAN and WOMAN dance and sing together. Man and Woman: Shake shake shake. Shake shake shake. Shake your booty. Shake your booty. Awwwwwwww. Shake shake shake. Shake shake shake. Shake your booty. It’s your duty. Awwwwwwww. Shake shake shake. Shake shake shake. Tableau. [Continues in 72 total scenes] NOTICE: Permission for public readings, productions or any reproduction whatsoever of WAITING FOR TWO, which exists on file at the copyright office of the Library of Congress in Washington D.C., must in all cases be secured in writing by the author. |