CAUTION: Amateurs and
Professionals are hereby warned that WE ARE ALL DICK 3 is fully protected
by the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all
countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the
Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the
United States has reciprocal copyright relations. WE ARE ALL DICK 3 exists
on file at the copyright office of the Library of Congress in
Washington D.C. Permission for public readings, productions or any
reproduction of same must be secured in writing by the author.
We Are All Dick 3
© Susan Hansell 2003/2005
Fade up to: A man, a woman.
Minimum set contents: A bed, a chair, a table.
Props are: A knife, a sheet of paper.
At start the Man is lying underneath the bed; the Woman sits in the chair.
A long silence.
Man: (from underneath the bed) Let’s do Richard the Third.
Beat.
Woman: I don’t want to do Richard the Third.
Beat.
Man: Let’s do Richard the Third.
Woman: I don’t want to do Richard the Third.
Man: Let’s do Richard the Third.
Woman: I don’t want to do Richard the Third.
Beat.
Man sticks his head out from underneath bed.
Man: Why?
Woman: Because.
Man: Because why.
Woman sighs.
Man: WHY.
Woman: Because
in Shakespeare’s time human infants did not wear lipgloss on the cover
of PARENTS magazine. (beat) Read my Lips. (beat) Or mascara.
(shrugs) Go see for yourself.
Pause.
Man: Please.
Woman: No.
Man: Yes.
Woman: No.
Man: Yes.
Woman: No.
Man: No.
Woman: No.
Beat.
Man: Why?
Beat.
Woman sighs.
Woman: Because when we do Richard the Third it’s really you doing Richard the Third and me watching.
Beat.
Man: So.
Woman: So you don’t need me for that.
Man: Yeah I do.
Woman: No you don’t.
Man: Yeah I do.
Woman: No you don’t.
Man: I do. (beat) I do too.
Beat.
Man: You don’t know how much I really need you.
Beat.
Woman: Come on.
Man: You come on.
Woman: No you come on.
Beat.
Man: Pretty please.
Woman sighs.
Woman: (sing-song-y) You’re on your own lake of fire.
Beat.
Man: Pretty pretty please.
Woman sighs.
Woman: (sing-song-y) You make your own ninth circle.
Pause.
Man: Pretty pretty pretty please. Besides. You like to watch.
Woman: No, you like to watch.
Man sighs.
Man: Yeah. I do like to watch.
Woman stands.
Woman: NOW IS THE WINTER OF YOUR DISCONTENT MADE GLORIOUS BY THIS daughter OF new YORK.
Man climbs out from under the bed.
Woman curtsies, smiles a big smile.
Woman: Like my version?
Man: She’s liking it!
Woman: Oh yeah.
Beat.
Man: See, you like to party.
Woman: Excuse me?
Man: You like to party.
Beat.
Woman: Is that supposed to be a euphemism for something?
Woman laughs uproariously, then stops.
Man: Why are you laughing.
Woman: I’m not laughing.
Man: Don’t laugh at me.
Woman: I’M NOT LAUGHING AT YOU.
Woman sits.
Man: Then what ARE you laughing at.
Beat.
Woman: Were.
Man: What?
Woman: Were. (beat) I was laughing. I’m not now.
Man: (controlled) Ok. What WERE you laughing at.
Beat.
Woman: I was laughing at you. You’re right.
Man: You admit it.
Woman: You’re right.
Beat.
Man: I love it when you tell me I’m right.
Woman: You don’t say.
Beat.
Man: So. You’re gonna party with me.
Woman: Not if it means doing Richard the Third.
Pause.
Man: What about aliens.
Beat.
Woman: You want to do Aliens?
Man sits on bed, crosses legs.
Man: There
are people on earth who believe the human race or possibly all animals
were created by aliens who came to this planet 4,000 years ago to
experiment with DNA.
Woman picks up sheet of paper.
Man: You’re a smart lady what do you think.
[MORE]
WE ARE ALL DICK 3 is an original work of imagination. Any similarity to persons or
events are either coincidental or are protected speech under the laws
of the United States of America.
website photo by a. paul cartier